A couple of weeks ago, TVCC hosted the IF:Gathering, a conference for women out of Austin, TX. So, as Media Director, it was my job to make sure the live stream was working, turn on the sound and projection and be available if anything went wrong.
On top of my normal TVCC work week, I own my own photography/videography business and I was really behind on editing. My plan was to make sure everything was running the way it was supposed to and then leave. I planned to spend some time where I wouldn’t be distracted (good luck finding that place in Clovis!) so I could finish editing. But, the closer we got to the start, the more I felt as though I should stay. I felt God prompting me, not audibly, but in spirit to stay and specifically to listen to Jennie Allen.
I chose to hang around and edit in the back while the conference started and, lo and behold, the first speaker was Jennie Allen. It was exactly what I needed to hear (of course). While she had some great things to say, the phrase that got me the most was one of the first things she said, “I don’t do this.”
She seemed nervous. Maybe a little scattered?
Thank God! Someone else in this world feels what I feel!!!
I don’t do this! I can’t do this! Anyone that knows me, knows I can lead a song, but I don’t speak in front of people. I literally take in so much breath and can’t get it out of me. My thoughts are disconnected, I get lost, I use fillers like “ugh” and I sound crazy. I can make a video but I’m not organized, I don’t schedule, my desk (as well as my mind) are a complete mess. I love teens but I don’t speak, I don’t know what to say when they’re going through rough things I’ve never experienced and I sure don’t know how to answer half the biblical questions they ask me (geez, teens are so smart these days).
But, Jennie did it. And she was awesome! (Sooo much better than I would have ever been in front of all those people!) She spoke and God used her. I mean, she founded IF:Gathering and it was amazing how many women around the world were tuned in.
God did it through her.
At the end of the sessions, there were cards available that said:
IF _______________, then ________________.
I wrote in my notebook, IF God is writing the story, then I can.
So, for lack of a better explanation, I’ve kind of developed a little woman crush on good ol’ Jennie. I started following her on social media and she posted a photo the other day that was a reminder of how to overcome what I’ve been struggling with, which is feeling like Gideon. (Hello, God! You’ve got it wrong! I’m not strong enough! I’m not brave enough! I’m not good enough! Surely, this is a joke, right?)
I know God is leading me to do big things, and holy smokes, is it scary!! But, I’m going to do it anyway. I’ll follow whatever He wants for me.
And so, I just want to encourage you. No matter who you are, no matter how you are, no matter what God has called you to do, when you stand before the giant army, when the walls seem too tall to climb, when you’re took weak to go on or you just don’t feel worthy, remember these two things (maybe even say them out loud):
1. I can’t do this but I’m doing it anyway.
2. If God is writing the story, then I CAN.