That was last week’s word. Adjective – insufficient for a purpose. Someone get out their tiny violin because here comes my pity party! Incubating a little human makes me tired. I’m always tired. My hips hurt a lot from walking and standing all the time. Being around nearly 100 kids exhausts the little energy I have. And then being at a normal level of “pregnant brain” plus being exhausted makes my mind relatively useless. I don’t remember where I put things, I don’t remember if I took my prenatal vitamin, I lock the keys in our room…blablabla etc. etc.
Interjection: the plans I made for Cole’s birthday were slowly being made unplans by things out of my control.
All week I felt like I was perpetually messing up. All week I was fighting that tiny, tiny inclination of thinking, “HOW are you going to be a momma if you can’t even do this or this? These easy things?” Then Friday rolled around. We had to get our passports stamped Friday or else we would get in big, big, BIG trouble. They scheduled us to have them stamped Thursday, a Belizean holiday, when Immigration would be closed. So Friday was the day. We were without a vehicle, hitching rides from different people at the home to eventually make it to the ATM and then Immigration. At the ATM, I realized our passports were no longer in my jacket pocket (which zips closed). I immediately felt like I had topped off the cupcake of completely ruining Cole’s birthday weekend. My once semi-reliable brain had deflated like a whoopie cushion. People were asking the last place I saw them, and I was so flustered and frustrated with myself I couldn’t recall anything. Swallowing the lump in the back of my throat, I prayed that no one had found them and taken them. I called one of the volunteers at the home, my dear friend Amber, and she was looking all around our room and outside for them. And then…those beautiful words came from her happy voice…”I found them!!” I almost fell down from relief. This is the conversation we had:
“Where were they?!”
“By the volunteer house kitchen!”
“On the ground?”
“Amber, how am I going to take care of a child when I can’t even handle our passports?”
“Rachel, your baby isn’t going to fall out of your pocket.”
In that moment, I realized how stupid it was for me to let the enemy sway me, even a little, with his lies. My vision of God’s blessing had been clouded by the devil’s attempt to be a ruiner. He tried to suck the fun out of being pregnant by attempting to convince me that I would be an inadequate momma. The big news is YES I WILL be an inadequate momma. I’m an inadequate wife, daughter, sister, friend, mentor, person. But God is a God who forgives, redeems, and restores. By the blood of Jesus Christ I have been forgiven, redeemed, and restored. And Jesus’ victory over death, over the enemy, is the same victory that burns wildly within me. My Father in heaven is the most adequate Father a person can have, and he is for me, not against me. I have true life. Daily I drop nets, new nets I didn’t know I had, to follow Christ because I wholeheartedly believe that he is truth. “And this is what God has testified: He has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. Whoever has the Son has life; whoever does not have God’s Son does not have life.” (1 John 5:11-12). I have life. I will be a momma who shares this with our child. That is all he/she needs, and the rest will be added.
P.S. We didn’t do anything I had originally planned for Cole’s birthday. We vegged out at a hotel and watched superhero movies on TV. It was wonderful.