Exodus 20:14 You shall not commit adultery.
Proverbs 6:32 He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself.
Matthew 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Matthew 5:32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
The same four ways to commit adultery are the four ways to recover from adultery:
You can commit adultery in:
- Physical action
It takes these same four things to recover from adultery:
- Physical action
First lets look at forgiveness>
When there is adultery within a marriage the person who has committed the act needs to repent of their actions. Whether it was in attitude, thought, words, and or physical action. Once there has been repentance which is turning from that sin and asking for forgiveness the spouse needs to forgive. I do realize the gravity of this sin within a marriage, and I do realize biblically the spouse could divorce.
But let’s explore how one recovers from adultery within a marriage.
1. Repentance – from the spouse who committed the act.
2. Forgiveness – from the spouse who got cheated on.
3. Reconciliation – from both people within the marriage.
I would never say you must know everything that happened so you can move past it, nor would I say you must not know anything to move past it.
I believe information is power, and the struggle of power within a marriage can be to its determent. Remember: When there has been the act of adultery within a marriage the goal is reconciliation, not knowledge or to gain power.
Recovery is a process. When there has been adultery within a marriage trust has been broken. Define Trust: Positive, predictable, behavior that is proven over time.
So when recovery starts you must move very slowly to attain the trust and attain true intimacy once again.
Within this time of recovery I believe other issues will arise within the marriage. Because adultery is never just about that one time. There will be other issues that have never been resolved that led up to this action. And all of them need to be addressed.
It you find that either person within the marriage can not move past any issue, or you feel as though you can not deal with any of the issues please contact a pastor, or counselor to help. A third party can be very beneficial to take a look into the marriage and help with the recovery process.
Recovery sometimes starts with tearing down the rest of the relationship and starting fresh.
- Men and women are very different and those differences can and will make or break your marriage.
- It is never O.K. to take the gloves off during an argument and go for the kill. ALWAYS speak TRUTH IN LOVE. If you can’t back off and have a conversation later, call in an unbiased third party for help.
It can also be helpful to find another couple who has worked through this problem within their own marriage. You should not handle it exactly the same but you can gain some wisdom from their mistakes and successes.
During the recovery time spend quality time with each other focusing on the things you love to do and talk about. Do not bring up the past to win an argument or a fight. Both husband and Wife should sacrifice each other’s wants to provide for each other’s needs within the marriage regardless of the need or want.
Here are the facts:
- YOU must decide if you are willing to make the marriage work.
- YOU must die to self and pray for God to speak truth into your life.
- YOU must repent & forgive, then work to reconcile.
- YOU must fight for your marriage.
My prayer is that you would never give up, never stop recovering, and never stop loving the person God placed in your life to make you whole.
Derek Osburn, Lead Pastor